


The Last Good Thing in The World; Part Two

by heroes_never_die



Series: The Last Good Thing in The World [3]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Attempted Murder, Bloaters (The Last of Us), Canon Lesbian Character, Childhood Trauma, Clickers (The Last Of Us), Clueless Ellie (The Last of Us), Dark, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Ellie & Joel Bonding (The Last of Us), Ellie Angst (The Last of Us), Ellie Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (The Last of Us), Ellie Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Game: The Last of Us Part II, Gay Panic, Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Good Significant Other Dina (The Last of Us), Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Infected Characters, Infection, Inspired by The Last of Us (Video Games), Joel Lives (The Last of Us), Minor Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Murder, Nightmares, Not Canon Compliant - The Last of Us: Left Behind, POV Ellie (The Last of Us), Parenthood, Physical Therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Runners, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Shamblers (The Last of Us), Sick Character, Softie Joel (The Last of Us), Song: Piano Man (Billy Joel), Stalkers (The Last Of Us), The Last of Us Spoilers, Winter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heroes_never_die/pseuds/heroes_never_die
Summary: 'If I Ever Were to Lose You, I'd Surely Lose Myself.' Ellie never believed she would have to figure out what that meant, or come close to having her world taken away.
Relationships: Abby & Ellie (The Last of Us), Abby & Joel (The Last of Us), Abby & Lev (The Last of Us), Abby & Nora (The Last of Us), Abby/Ellie (The Last of Us), Abby/Owen (The Last of Us), Dina & JJ (The Last of Us), Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie/Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & JJ (The Last of Us), Ellie & Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), JJ & Joel (The Last of Us), Joel & Maria (The Last of Us), Joel & Sarah (The Last of Us), Joel & Tommy (The Last of Us)
Series: The Last Good Thing in The World [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2002261
Comments: 14
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> HI EVERYONE! for anyone new here, GO READ THE FIRST PART! For anyone who read the last part, welcome! thanks for continuing to support me, it means so much! <3 enough reading, let's get to the fanfiction :3

_“Sarah.” He cried, his voice hoarse and the blood on his beard scratching his skin. The moonlight poured down in the sky. But when he looked down to his daughter in his arms, her picture flickered between Sarah and Ellie, and he felt salty tears dampening the pores between his skin. “Ellie.” Joel shook her, but her eyes were already staring into his… but they were empty._ They were dead. 

_Her skin was affixed with a sudden scarring and infection began to sprout from her small body. Joel’s throat closed around him and he didn’t release her, but he could hear small ragged breaths, those he would hear in Infected. “Ellie, please.” He murmured softly, his breath reflecting across her skin in the cold night and the moonlight that poured over them. “Ellie.” He demanded and suddenly she jumped to life, but it wasn’t life. It was death. She was Infected. “Ellie.” Joel repeated, and it was suddenly like that was the only word he could hear._

_Her small feet carried her dead body towards him and he squeezed his eyes shut, asking his body rudely to wake him up. Before he could do so, Joel felt her tearing into his wrist, sealing his death and almost ripping his skin off. He exhaled quickly and tore his hand away but the blood dripped down his hand and Joel shut his eyes, laying his head against the ground and hearing Ellie’s dead breathing._

_He was okay with this: dying here. Without her, he didn’t really have a reason to stick around… and he knew she felt the same way: that’s why he was always so scared. He heard a final scream and he shook awake in his bed._ Joel’s eyes shot open and he opened his eyes, looking up at the dim paint of his room. A blue luminance of the dark sky sketched across the walls and he blinked for a second. 

Joel took a deep breath and rose his arm, wiping the subtle beads of sweat from his wrinkled skin and sitting up in the large bed. It was empty beside him. Sometimes he missed having the privilege of Ellie slumbering right next to him. It made him feel comfort, but they had to grow out of it eventually. 

However, when he looked to the open gap of the doorway, he saw a dull light dancing on the floor from beyond the hallway. _Oh, kiddo._ He smiled softly and he pulled the comforters from the lower half of his body. Joel’s feet slipped into his slippers and he could see his own, gray reflection from a mirror that hid in the corner of his room. Smoky wires of hair splayed from his roots and he brushed the sleep from them, breaking his amber eyes and looking out towards the hallway. 

Snow was dotting the air outside and when he exited the room, his sight settled on the weather for a moment. He had not taken this for granted, this _peace_ that now settled through the house. Winter was no longer plagued with his daughter’s screams when she awoke from the same nightmare, the same memory, over and over, and over again. It was quiet, though Joel could hear the scribble of graphite against pencils through the night and his lips curled upwards. 

Joel’s footsteps were silent and he looked into the open gap of his daughter’s doorway. Her back was turned and she was sitting at her desk. An opened set of pencils -one Dina, her girlfriend, had gifted her- laid beside Ellie’s hand and it was nudged when her palm drew across the paper. The edges of her palms were charred with graphite and charcoal, since she was left handed and her skin pressed against her own paper. There were shards of wood that had come from the depths of a pencil sharpener dotting on the fabric of her shirt and Ellie’s hair was tied up into a ponytail. 

Her hair was growing longer once again and it tickled the nape of her back. Her earbuds were fastened in her ears and the loud volume caused faint whispers of the music to whisper through the room. Joel stood by the door, watching her work and every now and then there would be a hum to the music in her ear. He smiled and stayed silent. Joel just wanted to watch the life in her body. 

He leaned his head over her shoulder to see her drawing, and he realized the entire room was decorated with almost a full bag of finished artwork. Dina and Ellie had assembled something of a little shop in Jackson. Dina sold these little candles her sister had once taught her how to make, and after almost _months_ of begging, she succeeded in getting Ellie to trade away some of her artwork. Joel cleared his throat and Ellie spun her head around, jumping. “That isn’t funny! You almost gave me a heart-attack!” 

He looked down to the watch that Ellie had gifted him years ago and then looked back up at her with a smug grin. “Uh huh, it’s two in the morning, what are you doin’ up?” He asked, placing his hands on his hips and watching as she turned off her walkman, pressing the headphones from around her ears. 

“Working.” Ellie responded, _hearing_ the smile on his lips before she saw it. She turned around, picking up the paper slightly and slipping it into the bag of finished artwork. She had to take it all to the tiny little stand Dina and she ran the next day, after patrols with Jesse. Cold air whipped around Jackson and sometimes she thought of David, it was impossible not to, but it was much more subdued than it had been years earlier. She felt better. Ellie knew for a fact she’d still be broken if Joel wasn’t there. 

Joel chuckled, lowering the light of the lamp and dimming it so that the glow was softer in the silent night. “Well, you should be sleepin’. We both got an early start tomorrow.” He murmured and it was clear to her he hadn’t gotten much of a restful sleep, but she chose not to bring it up… he seemed happy for a second, and she wanted it to last. 

Ellie released the art piece and stretched her arms, yawning. The walls of the room were coated with her own paintings of the stars and the warmth of the pastel sun could be felt in the winter’s night. She had just struck eighteen a few months ago, and that was one of the most recent times she had heard him cry. It wasn’t like the crying she had known on the nights of Sarah’s birthday, the times he tried to hide it. It was happy crying, soft crying. It was like finally, part of him believed that she would survive and he wouldn’t have to watch her die. 

“Uh huh, maybe I’ll just chug some of your coffee.” Ellie murmured, rubbing the sleep out of her face and sitting on the edge of her bed. “Do you wanna watch a movie?” Her voice was clearly tired and her hair was messied. Joel smiled, messing her head and she gently slapped him away, but her tire was clear. 

“Tell you what: you get some sleep now, we can watch two tomorrow.” He still talked to her like she was a kid sometimes, and she didn’t mind it as long as he wasn’t _treating_ her like a kid. If there was no danger, he would treat her like she was eighteen. No more: _‘you stay here, let me handle it…’_ for the most part. He still worried like any father, even when he shouldn’t be. 

It was Joel to worry. Ellie looked into his eyes and sighed, falling back against the bed and nodding. “ _Fine._ ”

She spoke softly and settled atop the bed, pulling a throw blanket and tossing it over her body. Joel switched on her night light and switched off her lamp. Dina always teased her that she still had one, and Ellie found it silly that she could kill, but she was afraid of the dark and tight spaces. “Wake me up when you’re leaving. I’m supposed to relieve you guys with…” Ellie’s sentence was cut off by her yawn and Joel smiled, looking down at her. 

“Get some rest, kiddo.” He answered softly and she shut her eyes, her eyelashes tickling the tips of her freckled cheeks. Joel stood for a moment, watching her sleep before gently walking out of the room and gently shutting the room, leaning against it for a second.

He sighed, looking down and pressing his feet forward back to his room, but when he thought of his nightmare once again he turned around and headed towards the stairway, moving down. 

Photographs of Ellie and himself graced the large house, and he would see other faces, whether it was his own brother or Ellie’s friends, and her girlfriend. She was still timid when talking to him about Dina. It was like part of her stil didn’t trust that he accepted her. But, as the years went by, the neglect and fear Ellie had experienced in her younger years faded away and all she could remember was Joel. 

He was meant to have patrol with Tommy in the morning, just to clear out some old ski lodge in the mountains that surrounded Jackson. He expected nothing to happen, years of living in an almost normal life had softened him, and he knew he’d do anything to protect himself, but not for him; for Ellie. And they would be fine… right? 

hey, so i can't put notes on the first chapter of anything so bear with me! new chapter in 2-3 days as always, and thank you everyone for reading! next chapter will be... ahem... as i want to get things started rather early since i have a lot planned for this! i'm so excited to get started, i'm back from my break and we're doing it! see you guys in a few days for a definitely VERY happy chapter. ;3


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.

Dawn began to paint over the sky and Joel looked out of the windows, watching the illumination and the sparkle of the snow. It glinted and he wished he was still able to see the innocent beauty of Winter, but not after… everything. The pain that was associated with it numbed through the years, but the wound was  _ just  _ recent enough that it was not gone. A wound only scarred if one healed, and while Ellie  _ had,  _ she had enough scars on her physical body, and she didn’t need any more weight on her back. 

There were the moans of songbirds through the night and Joel shut his eyes for a moment, listening to the quiet sensation of peace and the smell of fresh coffee underneath his nose. The silver hair of his beard scratched his skin slightly, but his exhale pushed the gray out of the track of his lips. 

Ellie had requested for him to wake her, but the look of tire on her face from the long night, so he decided against it. Joel was glad she was happy; her soul seemed so much lighter than it had been weeks, even months prior. With each day, she grew, and Joel was sad and happy at the same time. His daughter was growing with each second, well… not  _ really.  _

The sickness and tire that had been claiming her for years was growing, and Joel could see the effects of it on her body, even if she was happy. Ellie  _ had  _ grown over the years, and now she was around a head shorter than him, which was miles taller than she had been the years ago when their paths crossed. However, her continuous starvation raged on, and she was eating almost four times a day, which was difficult in the end of the world. 

That doctor had given her some pills, but most of it had probably expired. Joel thought it was sad that the two of them visited so frequently that the doctor almost befriended Ellie. After all, the woman was only five or six years older, so they got along. But after the first visit in which Ellie had to undress, she made sure it never happened again, and the woman didn’t discuss it. 

Aromas of hand-ground coffee and a small patch of bread drifted through him and he quickly scarfed down the food. The hot liquid spilled down his throat and cleared the crumbs from between his teeth. Joel wiped his beard and placed the mug on the counter. Ellie had painted it in their early years of Jackson living. It was probably one or two years after they first arrived, and he didn’t let a single scratch mark it. There was a small fingerprint on the handle: it was Ellie’s way of marking her art. No name, no signature, just a single finger-print at the corner of each painting or drawing to mark herself, but only to those who knew her. To others, she would forever remain a mystery. 

He looked around at the house, it was larger, as the previous had eroded away due to age, and Tommy had pulled some strings. It was large, much larger than his house before the end of the world. Each day, when he looked beside his bed, he would see Sarah’s photographed smile staring into his eyes. Ellie had drawn Sarah numerous times, most of the time for her birthday as a gift to Joel, or a way to thank the girl. 

Ellie felt guilty for thanking Sarah for her sacrifice, but if Joel and Ellie had never met, she would not be alive. That she knew with no doubt. Sarah’s beautiful, silvery irises hung in Ellie’s room. They both shared a room for his wood carving, and her painting. Likely, they would just use the entire day to sit there with each other’s presence and whatever music came over the record player that they had found so long ago for her birthday.   
There was a knock on the door and Joel tied his hiking boots and grabbed the leather binds of his backpack, tying them around his shoulders. He stayed quiet, as he knew after months on the road, Ellie joined his talent in being able to hear _anything_ , even in sleep. Joel took a final look at the house and he smiled when he saw the touch of both of his daughters gracing the home. Ellie had made it a home, not a house. 

His gloved hands tied around the copper doorknob and he twisted it, seeing the impatient face of his younger brother. Tommy almost looked as old as he had when they first came to Jackson, and silver had begun to touch the hair beside his ears and in his thick beard. “Alright, you ready?” 

“Yeah, let’s get goin’.” Joel responded and he looked back to the stairway for a moment, the stairs that led to Ellie’s room, but then he turned away and the sound of his feet imprinting against the thick snow joined his brother’s. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

_ “Ellie. Ellie, if you don’t get up… _ ” Someone called in her head and she squinted her eyes, a large level of exhaustion in her head.  _ “Hey! Are you dead?”  _ There was the crackle of a radio and the high pitch resonated in her head painfully. There was a tight exhale and she tightened her fists, crushing the dark navy sheets in her fingers and raising her head.  _ “I’m going to call Dina so she can come and kick your ass.”  _ The voice threatened and she raised her head, looking at the radio that laid beside her bed stand. It was the closest thing that Dina, Jesse and her could manufacture to represent a telephone, and she struggled to get up. 

Finally, her left hand grasped around the radio and she pressed down the right button. “Sorry… I slept in. I’ll be out in five.” Wanda whispered into the microphone and she heard a silence before there was an exhale that came through the microphone and she dipped her head against her pillow for a second, taking a deep breath. _The hell, Joel?_ She asked, calling his name and remembering that Tommy and him had been assigned early patrols, so she was alone.   
Her bare feet touched the cold floor and she quickly slipped a pair of jeans and her sneakers on, sniffing the fabric quickly to certify to herself that she smelled like she had showered in the past three days. That was so odd… it had almost become like a first thought to have privileges like showering and brushing her teeth, which would have been foreign years ago. Ellie almost tumbled when pulling her jacket on but she finally landed herself before the pasty white, metal door of the house. 

The tips of Jesse’s jet black, spiky hair could be seen from the glassy windows of the metal and she raised her head, looking at him in the eyes and waving. Her palm opened the door and she saluted Jesse. He had dusted snow on his shoulders and crossed his arms. “Enjoy your beauty sleep?” 

“Yup.” Ellie quickly responded, reaching for her backpack hooked beside the door and resided on her shoulders. “What are we covering?” She asked, looking into his hazel eyes and shutting the door of the house behind her without a second thought. She did this every day, why should today be any different? How was Ellie supposed to know…? 

There was  _ life  _ breeding in Jackson. Children ran by Ellie in the early hour and there was smoke protruding from the chimneys of  _ dozens  _ of houses. This was a  _ home _ , which was something more than she could ever ask for. Home wasn’t Jackson, though. It was Joel. It was Joel, and Jesse: and Dina. Whenever she even thought of Dina her cheek shifted with a rosy pigment and her lips curled upwards. Ellie loved Dina so much, even if she hadn’t yet told her that. “ _ We _ are relieving Tommy and your old man from the ski trails. They’ve been out for a few hours.” 

“Wasn’t Maria supposed to take over?” 

“Got caught up at the nursery.” Jesse responded, and there was suddenly the subtle aroma of… well, everything. Her emerald irises took in the sight of the market and the heart of Jackson around them. People bustled past her and dogs were trotting around on leashes. There were the giggles of children and through the small crowd of people passing by, she could see the nursery that Joel had brought her to years ago. A ploom of smoke was swimming through the air, its origin the chimney of the medium-sized buildings. 

Ellie wiped the sleep from her eyes and took a small bundle of snow beneath her shoes. She wiped the graphite from her palms that had stained the skin earlier with the watery slush and then tossed it into the back of Jesse’s head playfully. “Hey!” He hissed, wiping the snow off of the bare skin of his neck and folding his hood so she couldn’t repeat the act. 

Suddenly, a slosh of snow met her head, though it was a limp toss. Ellie directed her head towards the origin and saw Maria stranded with her arms crossed. Her eyes watched the two of them carefully and her boots crunched against the snow as she approached. Maria’s hair was still shaded by a striking blonde and Ellie admired the natural color. “I’m going to assume you were late because you were doing something productive.” Maria spoke and Jesse snorted besides Ellie. She squinted her eyes and jabbed him with her elbow. 

“Yeah, one hundred percent.” Ellie responded as Maria led the two teenagers through the teeming centre of Jackson. There were fragments of sentences passing by as they walked through the villa and sometimes it was entertaining to hear the highlights of conversations with absolutely no context given at all. Ellie assumed it was one of the natural privileges of life: being able to watch other people live it. 

“You, go relieve Tommy and Joel, those boys have been out too long. Go up the northwest trails, they’re scheduled to arrive at the lodge later today.” Maria ordered and there was an authority to her voice. Maria replaced the ability of having a child -that which had she had been robbed of- with leading Jackson. This town was her child, one that Tommy shared with her. They both loved this, this civilization that they had created. 

Ellie felt privileged to have been gifted with the sight to watch the settlement grow and watch the families that now called it home thrive with each passing year. “Watch yourself: too many sightings of Infected recently.” Dina and Jesse had ventured through the creek trails the previous day and her girlfriend told Ellie of three clickers they had encountered. Ellie now knew what Joel felt like, that worry when she wasn’t sure if she would see Dina again or not. It was scary. 

“Yes, ma’am.” Jesse saluted, his natural southern drawl pouring through his tongue and into his misty breath that showed itself in the frosty air. The snow around had begun to grow muddy with the trotting of carriages and horses, and of course the life that passed through the town every single day. And, it didn’t stop. New traders and families emerged through the walls every week. “I was gonna check out the creek trails. I’ll need someone else to cover it.” Ellie almost tuned out the conversation and she mindlessly followed Maria and Jesse, looking at the buildings and roads. 

Even though she had been here for years, walking through the town every day was like the first time she ever had. Each day there was something new, a new shop, or a new face in the crowd that she didn’t recognize. “Ellie, you know the creek trails?” 

She turned her head towards Maria’s expression staring back at her and she realized they had come along to a gate that was dusted with the thick feathers of winter and snow. “Not really.” Ellie shrugged with the reflection of the winter season in her eyes. It was clear that she had begun to grow from David, and what had transpired almost half a  _ decade  _ ago. It felt so much longer when she thought of it like that, but Wanda was sure she could recall every second of that season. 

“Dina’s done it a bunch, I’ll have the two of them take it.” Jesse answered and the conversation then died on his cold, bright pink lips. They stopped at the fence and Ellie looked over, reading the bulletin board. People pinned different things, missing posters for pets, jobs that were needed throughout the town… it almost functioned like a real civilization. It felt like life could actually function for one. 

Maria had a soft complexion, and her pale blue eyes matched Ellie’s mothers. There were dustings of freckles on her cheeks and it reminded Ellie of her own rosy face. As Jesse opened the fence for Ellie, Maria brushed her shoulder and stopped her for a moment. “Be safe.” There was a second of seriousness and Ellie dipped her head in acknowledgment, but she then broke the moment and moved through the gate. 

Both Jesse and Ellie stopped for a second and she wore a giant grin on her face. There was a wooden, worn playground before them and the two friends could see their very own Dina dipping in and out of the obstacles, snowballs in her hands as she chucked them violently at the heads of children. “Yo, Dina, assignments!” Jesse called and the girl barely batted an eyelid at him. 

“Busy here!” She yelled back and a dangerous, icy snowball whizzed past her head, almost hitting Jesse between the eyes. He groaned, looking down to Ellie and placing his hands on his hips. His skin was paler than usual due to the cold temperature, but his eyes were the familiar chestnut-shade she had come to know. 

“Will you get your girlfriend to the stables, please?” Ellie smiled, watching Dina and nodding. The footsteps of Jesse were audible due to the thin layer of snow and there were more yelps from the children that Dina was striking with snowballs.   
Ellie couldn’t deny the smile that spread on her face and when Ellie approached the fence that gated in the playground, she saw Dina walking towards her with a smile. “Morning.” Dina smirked and Ellie smiled, taking her hand and sitting her legs on the wooden fence. Snow melted through the jeans but she didn’t care. 

“Mind helping me out with the creek trails?” Ellie asked and before Dina could answer, there was a sudden bomb of snow that struck Ellie at the hem of her jacket and she cursed under her breath, looking back at the brats. “Hey!” She yelled, scrunching her eyebrows together and wiping the water from the navy material of her jacket. She heard Dina’s incessant yelling at the children and her smile returned for a second, but suddenly, there were snowballs sailing through the air like bombs. 

“Mind helping me kick their asses?” Dina asked, crouching behind one of the obstacles of the playground and watching Ellie join her position beside her. Dina’s hair was tied back in a loose bun and there were strands that had fallen from the tie. Ellie thought she looked beautiful. Her girlfriend was dressed in a burgundy shirt and thick jeans that sealed her from the cold. “It’ll be  _ fun _ .” Dina sang and Ellie turned her head around, then looking into Dina’s eyes and beaming. 

“What do you think?” She asked and Dina grinned, balling snow in her gloved hands and tossing it into the air behind them. 

In a rather quick frame of time, they had successfully coated the children’s coats in snow and ice, and it looked as if the fabric had originally been colored white. The children in the town looked up to them, even if Dina nor Ellie was exactly an example for anyone. “Eat it shrimps!” Dina teased, raising her hand though she was quickly tackled by a small girl who had flakes of snow coating her luminescent, ginger hair. 

Ellie watched with a smile at the playful fight that broke out and Dina was tackled to the ground, but there was a grin on her face. “Alright, alright. We actually have some work to do.” She smiled, taking Dina’s hand and hoisting her up. Their faces met in close proximity for a second before Dina looked away, feeling one of the kids wipe a final brush of snow on her jacket before running away with her friends. “You still alive under all of that?” Ellie laughed, wiping brushes of snow from under Dina’s eyes with her thumb and tossing it down to the ground. 

“I hope so. What does Jesse have us covering?” Dina asked and as they broke through conversation, moving towards the stables, Ellie took a deep breath. It smelled  _ free.  _ It was different from the abandoned city that Ellie had grown up in, and it was more liberated than any of the broken roadways Joel and her had traveled over months and months. It smelled…  _ open.  _

The ranch had grown significantly as more and more people populated Jackson, and there were more hands around than just three teenagers as it had been years ago. There were youngsters like they had been trotting throughout the ranch, but stable-hands stood by the entrances, bathing the horses and brushing dirt from their fur. It still smelled like manure. Ellie trotted ahead of Dina and dashed through the ranch, smiling when she heard the familiar brunt of Shimmer illuminated in the ranch. 

There she was, dead ahead in the hands of one of the younger stable-hands. Ellie took the lead, murmuring a ‘thank you’ under her breath and pulling her leg onto the leather, tight stirrups of the mare. “M’lady.” Ellie joked, lowering her hand and helping Dina up behind her. Her girlfriend’s hands wrapped around her waist and Dina sociably waved farewell to two of the stable-hands that stood beside the ranch’s doors. 

“Jesse’s gonna lecture you.” Dina predicted and Ellie smiled, turning her ankle against the ribcage of Shimmer and prompting her to trot ahead through the snow. The horse had grown significantly and Ellie remembered when she first came to the stables and she was a little bit larger than a foal. A white grove of fur was painted onto Shimmer’s head, and it almost looked like a heart. 

There was already a group assembled by the exits of the gate and the monstrous wooden doors had already opened, so they were late.  _ Let’s hear this lecture.  _ Ellie teased Jesse in her head and she accelerated the rate of Shimmer, looking down at her friend below them. “Ah, there you are.” Ellie barked a laugh and took a rifle from Jesse, passing it back to Dina. She always took Joel’s pistol, he had simply given it to her after a while. It was like some shred of safety was still with her when she left for patrols without Joel, at least before she had become so tight knit with Jesse and Dina. 

“And for you.” Dina cocked the rifles that he had passed her, fastening it onto Shimmer’s knapsack that laid just below her thigh. There were two or three blankets laid on the horse’s back to keep her warm in the drafty and cold stables during the Autumn and Winter months. Dina was always sensitive with Ellie during Winter, they both were. It was only a sixth sense for them, but as the years went by, Jesse’s innocence and ignorance -along with Dina’s- had slowly been stripped away. “You know the drill: run your routes, check your logbooks, clear out any Infected. And please… don’t die.” 

“Hell of a speech, Jesse.” Dina responded and their eyes stayed connected as Ellie pushed Shimmer out of the gates… and it would start. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The snow had returned, and it wasn’t obscene, but as they rode through the trails together, the weather dotted on their coats. “You do know you are  _ such  _ a nerd, right, El?” Dina asked with her head settled on Ellie’s shoulder. She looked down at a new Savage Starlight card that Ellie had found. It read:  _ Tormentra.  _ Ellie thought that it sounded as she spoke, ‘badass.’ That made Dina laugh. 

“Please, tell me again, Dina.” Ellie teased and Dina laughed softly. Her nose wrinkled when she laughed and Ellie always looked, as she thought that it was cute. There was always a blush on her cheek when their eyes met, even if Dina and Ellie had been ‘dating’ for almost a year and a half. “Here, um-”

“Oh, God, I can hear the dad jokes.” Dina interrupted her and Ellie laughed softly, looking back at her for a second but then trying to search her brain for any trace of a joke that she could recall. 

In that moment, she thought of Riley briefly and for a second, her smile disappeared. Though, when she felt Dina’s touch on her shoulder, it softly made its way back. “What is the downside to eating a clock?” Ellie asked, going silent for a second before answering her own question. “It’s time consuming.” She shrugged and it was like she could hear Dina’s eye roll before the movement was even prompted. 

Dina laughed gently and shut her eyes, shaking her head in the accelerating snow. “Oh, God… for my birthday, is it possible you could  _ not  _ tell one of your jokes for… hm, twenty four hours?” She asked Ellie, looking into her eyes and there was a silent smile on both of their rosy lips. 

The snow was beginning to pick up and it was almost like it was howling for a second, but they were in their own intimate moment and they were owning it. “Hm, I don’t know, I think that might be impossible.” Ellie replied snarkily and Dina chuckled behind her, and a comfortable silence fell over both of them. 

The frail winter was becoming strong and snowflakes seemingly rained down from the sky. Ellie looked up and in return, there were heavy flakes kissing the tips of her eyelashes and dotting her clothing in snow. “Hey, so I was thinking.” Ellie nodded in acknowledgment and looked back to Dina for a second. Shimmer’s fur warmed Ellie’s bare fingers and she took a small fray of the mare’s mane and braided it as the beast trotted through the abandoned town. 

They rode through a suburb, as they had passed through the creek trails, but signs of infection in the area prompted them to go forward. Dina had fought against it at first, but Ellie insisted. Their job was to clear out all Infected in the area, so that the children in Jackson no longer had to worry about monsters under the bed. 

There had been a stalker found in Jackson the previous year, it had somehow snuck inside the walls, and that scared for two reasons. They were getting smarter, the Infected were  _ learning,  _ and they were getting stronger.. Secondly… the single Infected had snuck into one of the many residential houses that resided in Jackson, and it mangled some poor, old man and stripped a family of its father. That scared Ellie, more than she felt like it should have. “Maybe we could travel out to the treehouse again this weekend, a little road trip?” 

“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be nice.” Elie cooed, and there was suddenly the realization that the snow was swarming around them. “Maybe we should find somewhere to hold out.” Ellie asked and Dina nodded, holding her harm above her head and blocking her face from the swarming snow. It was cold, and there was an eerie dreariness that hung in the dark clouds of the sky. It was only six or seven in the morning and yet, it appeared much later due to the fact that the clouds drowned out any sun. It looked like a day for a eulogy. 

There was something wrong, some odd feeling in Ellie’s bones that curled up her spine and made her colder than she already was. As they rode through the deep snow, it was odd when Ellie looked down at her hands and saw no blood. The young girl didn’t know exactly _when_ that became a norm for her, but it simply had. The tight-set rules she had to abide by to survive waere melting out of existence as she spent more and more time in Jackson.   
Doing patrols was like looking at some younger part of herself that had died away years ago, but she liked it. She liked the power that twisted her fingers whenever she had the decision to die or not. She had the choice whether or not to come back from patrols and that felt like one of the small things she could control in her own life, when the end of the world had decided so much before she was even born already. “Fuck, maybe we should turn back.”

“We’re too far out, let’s just look for somewhere to settle down.” Ellie shook her head, her hair dusted with snow and frost. The cold bit at her fingertips and she tightened her grip against Shimmer’s reins, rushing them against the horse for a moment and causing her to accelerate.  _ Come on, girl.  _ Ellie thought, squinting her eyes and scouring the horizon for any sight of shelter. The northwest patrol tower was miles away, and the snow was so deep that it measured to Shimmer’s knees, and the mare was almost fully grown. “Shit.” 

As Dina and Ellie breathed, there was a mist before them that showed their exhales. Ellie had a small smudge of dirt on her nose and she wiped it away with her sleeve before the snow had done it for her. “Ellie, hey. Up there.” Dina pointed and she squinted her eyes, seeing what looked like a supermarket in the distance that was coated with fatally sharp icicles that could behead someone. 

“It’s the best we’ll get.” Ellie responded, moving the reins against Shimmer and propelling them towards the large building.It had vines crawling from its windows and Ellie quickly dismounted Shimmer, leading the horse and her girlfriend, who still sat atop the beast, into the shelter. As they entered the warmth of the building, the snow cut and there the heat was restored in both of their cheeks. 

Shimmer bustled for a moment but finally, she settled and bent her legs, laying down on the cold, carpeted floor of the building. “Think we got a generator somewhere?” Dina asked, switching the flashlight on her chest and slipping her mask over her head. “Babe.” Dina tilted her head, reaching towards Ellie and pushing the other girl’s mask into her hands. “Please?” 

It was funny, even though Ellie was immune, -which seemed like more a curse than a gift at this point- Dina still made her wear her gasmask if they went on patrol. It was like she didn’t believe Ellie wouldn’t die. That was something they shared sometimes. “You sound like Joel.” Ellie rolled her eyes, taking the mixture of plastic and metal and slipping it over her head. Both of their breathing was now audible through the masks’ vents and Ellie illuminated her torch.   
“Alright, let’s see where we are.” They both ventured through the building, scattered conversations prompting whenever they discovered something in the messes of chaos. Ellie always found it so interesting to run through the abandoned buildings, the ones similar to the ghost houses that Joel and her squatted in during their journey. The entire world had stopped turning in a moment, and everything was trapped in its final seconds of terror and horror. Sometimes she would find the bodies of a family holding each other… or lonely people who had taken the easiest and hardest way out. 

“And… let there be light.” Dina smiled, looking up to the warm glow of the string lights that hung through the building. Somewhere beneath the flooring there was the warm calling of old, vintage music playing and they both quieted quickly. Ellie’s eyes traveled down to the light pouring through the cracks of the floorboard and she realized there was another floor beneath them. 

There was a set of stairs before the two and the sound of their sneakers slapping against the empty flooring resonated throughout the grave. “Think someone’s here?” Dina asked, but the silence that Ellie held was enough of an answer. Their guns had found a place in either of their hands and both of them were silent as they traveled down the steps. An… odd aroma was drifting through the air and Ellie took a deep inhale. Her head felt lighter for a second and she slipped the confines of her mask back on. 

“Holy shit.” Ellie laughed, looking at the large  _ farm  _ that was buried underneath the abandoned foods market. “Is this…?” 

“Weed.” Dina cackled, picking one of the leaves from the plants and sniffing it. Ellie wore a large grin as they ventured through the basement, and there was an old, musty couch before them. “Tightly sealed weed.” Dina groaned, struggling against the confines of a mason jar and her skin tightened when her grip on the metal fought against her palm. “Fuck.” 

Ellie looked back to Dina and walked closer to her, both of them ahead of the beige couch. “Give it to me.” Dina obliged and though Ellie was more muscled slightly, -very slightly after the thinning her body had gone through with her immunity- she, too could not open it. There was a second of frustration and it didn’t pass so Dina simply took the jar from Ellie and smashed it against the ground. 

Glass went spiraling against the concrete and Ellie looked into the eyes of her girlfriend, a giddy look of shock on her face. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” She laughed, but the other girl’s only response was to lean down and take one of the tightly rolled blunts of marijuana. Ellie joined Dina on the couch and though she didn’t smoke, the temptation was quite large. 

“Want a hit?” Dina asked, blowing a puff of smoke in the opposite direction and holding it up. 

Ellie tilted her head, looking at her and shaking her eyes. “You know I can’t.” She responded and Dina silenced, her small smile falling away from her perfect lips for a second. It was against the rules. Since Ellie’s organs were so much weaker, she wasn’t allowed to smoke or drink, or do anything of the sort. It would disrupt the homeostasis in her body, and that was the only thing Joel was stern with her on. 

He always protected her, even if she didn’t want him to sometimes. “Yeah… sorry.” It was quiet for another moment and then suddenly, there were footsteps in the distance. The girls’ heads rose and both of them reached for their guns from instinct. Ellie looked up and through the cracks in the floorboards she could see the scurried footsteps of someone a little heavier than her. They looked like a man, but she couldn’t tell from just the boots they were wearing. “Squatter came home?” Dina asked and both of them raised their guns, aiming it towards the doorway as it suddenly slammed open.   
“Jesse? We almost killed you.” Ellie sighed, lowering the pistol in her hands and sliding it back in the hind of her jeans. The boy looked around, squinting his eyes and then seeing the blunt in Dina’s hands. She dropped it and squashed it into charred ash underneath the heel of her sneakers. 

“I have been looking for an hour for you two, I thought you froze to death! Did your fucking radios de or something?” He demanded, and it was the first time Ellie had seen him actually upset in quite a while, though it was charming to see that he actually cared about her. 

In the time, the five or six years Ellie had been in Jackson, the trio had become not a trio, but an actual family. They treated each other like one and it was no secret throughout the town. You messed with one of them, you messed with any of them. Maybe that was why they seemed to be made of teflon, and it was something that Joel seemed to be proud of as weWe had no comms, the service was down.” Dina answered, placing her hands on her hips with an accusatory, playful glare. 

“Why aren’t you at your post?” 

“Because fucking Tommy and Joel never showed up!” He answered, taking a second to look at the forest of marijuana surrounded them and he wrinkled his nose. However, Ellie had quickly stopped and her gaze became deadly serious. It grew quiet and it took no time for her body to launch into a state of terror. 

There was a sudden nerve that tickled the back of her spine and she launched upwards, taking her bag from the couch cushions and zipping the confines of her jacket. “What? What do you mean?” Ellie demanded and Jesse’s vision retracted back in her direction. When she saw the sudden terror and fear in her body language, his expression softened. 

“When I got to the lookout, they hadn’t showed. I came out to look for them when they didn’t answer comms.” He stated almost like he was in an interrogation. When Ellie was like this, there was no joking: it was a straight answer or else someone was getting hurt. If Joel’s existence and safety was not immediately confirmed she would travel to the corners of existence to find him, and Ellie had no care for her own safety or anyone that got in her room. 

“You two retrace their trails, I’ll go down to the northwest tower, maybe you missed them.” She stated, and before either of them could argue, Ellie was already rushing out of the building, feeling her own blood roar in her ears as her sneakers slammed against the floor. Ellie almost pounced on Shimmer and her feet were settled in the stirrups of the leather saddle. She roared a demand and Shimmer was quickly sprinting back into the blizzard, even though she could hear Dina and Jesse calling her name, but Ellie honestly, truly didn’t care. 

Shimmer’s hooves pounced against the powdery snow, making long, drawn out imprints in the ocean of snow. “Tommy!  _ Joel _ !” Ellie roared through the atmosphere, though it was unlikely anyone ten feet from her would be able to hear her, with all thanks going to the roaring wind that screamed in the sky like a rotten child. She hadn’t felt this in quite a while, the way her heart rate pounced and the veins in her own body seemed to strangle her. There was a causality. If Joel wasn’t there, undoubtedly safe, she panicked. “Joel!” Ellie called again, and her voice was more desperate this time. 

Any footsteps or imprints in the terrain they would have or would have made had been covered by the snow and she was literally traveling blind. The deep snow blinded her and it was like trying to see through the depths of the deep, blue sea. “ _ JOEL!”  _ Ellie called once again, and before she knew it, she felt tears building in her eyes, like she was fourteen again. It was like she was a child, even though, in her mind, she was a fully grown, complete adult… even if she was only eighteen. 

Ellie’s shirley, cherry hair whipped behind her in her ponytail and her rosy, pink cheeks stung with the cold. But then, she saw it: a structure ahead of her. It was one of the old patrol spots that had been abandoned due to infection long ago. There was originally a plan to recover it, but once again, it was lost to the Infected and the dead’s soldiers. “Tommy!” Ellie called, and she saw the charred snow and bodies that laid by the front gate. She stopped for a second. “Stay here.” Ellie whispered, loosening Shimmer’s reins and caressing the mare’s fur before dropping her feet into the deep, snowy ground. 

She had only her jeans on, so the snow surrounded her ankles, but she had not a shred of a care. Despite the heaviness and the exertion of energy it took to walk through the snow, she sprinted, still keeping her legs bended. It had to be someone else there. There were three or four horses that were visible through the sight of one of the large windows that wasted the walls of the ski-mansion.  _ Joel, don’t make me worry about you, c’mon.  _ Ellie begged, slipping down a gap in the wooden gates that surrounded the property and hearing silence from inside the building. 

One of the rear sliding doors was open and she crawled through, thanks to her smallness, she was able to get in without moving it. There were sleeping-bags littering the floor, and blankets laid atop them. There was a book laid by one of the sleeping bags, the title read:  _ City of Thieves.  _ There was an eeriness and a fear that filled her when she entered the room, and then she crossed down the steps… and she entered the earshot of the basement. 

There were roars of pain and screams. They were Joel’s. Any dignity or sensibility in Ellie had been lost and the tears of terror that were building in her eyes dried. She cocked the rear of her pistol and felt the devise of hatred build in her. Atop the hatred was a necessity, an absolute  _ need  _ to find Joel. It was like she couldn’t breathe and Ellie sprinted through the building, finding a door that seemed to lead downstairs. There was a bloody fingerprint on it and she furrowed her eyebrows, tearing it open and almost tripping over the weak, wooden steps. 

They moaned under her weight and she didn’t care, she came thundering down the steps and when she saw the crystal knob of a doorway before she readied her pistol and tore it open before she could even wonder if she wanted to see whatever it was she was about to see. First she saw Tommy. His body was splayed on the floor and there was a trail of blood leaking from his hair-line. The bun that he always kept his hair tied back in had been broken, and cold rays of his hair covered his unconscious face. Ellie’s eyes widened… and she looked to the center of the room. 

Six or seven people at least held him down. There was blood on the window from the splatter of something that had struck his body. The skin of his kneecap to his lower thigh was swimming in blood and Ellie almost whimpered at the sight of her father dying before her. His features were scrunched together and he looked like he was in pain, they both were. A single stray of hair hung from behind his ear and it dotted between the space of his eyes. “ _ No _ !” Ellie screamed and she looked to the individuals in the room, pouncing on the nearest one without thought and thrashing her knife down into his face, feeling a small splatter of blood fall against her own wrist. 

Quickly, two or three pairs of arms took her biceps and forcefully threw her a few feet before Joel roughly. Ellie screwed her eyes shut when she felt someone thrashing their feet into the center of her chest and she yelped in pain, but still: she tried to get up. Ellie needed to fight. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t an opinion, it wasn’t her denial. It was simply a fact. This was not real. It was just another nightmare, a terrible nightmare that she would soon wake in, and then she would hear her father’s words of comfort, and his arms around her: and he would be clear of blood.  _ “Get off of me _ !” Ellie screeched, and she couldn't hear anything but the slow, quiet breathing of Joel. His heartbeat rose when they had attacked her, and that was a good sign. It meant he was still aware and alive. 

She would massacre every  _ single  _ living soul in the room, time and time again. Ellie couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think. There was a singing in her ears of some ringing and she opened her eyes again, struggling against the weight holding her down. There was a mess of blood on Joel’s face and she horrifically came to the realization of a bloodied golfclub laying before his body in the grip of a woman.  _ “Joel _ !” Ellie cried, and quickly, splays of tears were streaming down her face and slipping into the crevasse between her lips. She sobbed his name but it came out as an unintelligible, desperate plea for him to simply rise like nothing had happened. 

There was some sort of conversation going on, but to her, there was no one else in the room. She would have  _ plenty  _ of time to plan each of these bastards’ deaths, but right now, she bore her eyes into Joel’s hazel irises, and through the blood, he met her gaze. It wasn’t one of apology, it was not one of fear, or even pain… nor sorrow: it was one of department. He thought he would perish like this, and for that, he truly was sorry. 

Joel realized that by dying like this, he was making her relive every death that had ever occurred in her life tenfold. Actually, no. No pain would never amount to the feeling of her skin boiling in fire when she watched a gurgle of blood spill from his thigh and from his a fold of damage on his jaw. The silver hairs of his beard that she teased him for constantly were encrusted in scarlet gore. Ellie panted his name like it was the only word in her vocabulary. 

It was quite clear that he was trying to conceal his roars of pain, but it was impossible. There were tears in his eyes, and every second he blinked, she wondered if she would see life in his eyes again. He looked like the walking dead, and she thrashed against the bodies holding her down. Someone struck her and she breathed heavily, but it hadn’t even phased her. She didn’t feel invincible, perse, she felt dead… just dead. There was someone aiming a gun at her head and for a second, she watched as Joel tried to move, and he flashed in pain. “ _ You’re all going to fucking die _ !” She screeched and for a second, Ellie almost succeeded in standing, but once again, someone pushed her back to the ground violently. 

There was one woman standing before Joel, and Ellie watched as she paced back and forth before him, but her eyes were blurred with tears. That woman was all she could see and as Ellie fought against the rounds of weight on her, she looked into the woman’s eyes. She had a long, blonde braid that wound down her spine. Her eyes were an icy sapphire and they broke Ellie down, making anger spill down her cheeks. Ellie was weeping and she crossed her eyebrows in fury, “Please.” Ellie whispered, and the woman stopped for a second. 

In all of her crying, the room grew silent for a moment and Ellie heard nothing but the resonance of Joel’s slow breathing. He was no longer sitting up, his head was on the floor and his body was laid down in his own blood. He coughed and a small spurt of his blood released from his lips. Ellie’s chest was rising and falling rapidly and she fought against the hands that were holding her down. 

Her eyes were made of glass, and it was like there was a fire burning in her chest, singing her skin and her heart. The braided woman held the bloodied weapon in her hands and the head of the golf-club laid by her ankles.  _ “Please… please.”  _ She weeped, feeling the pressure of where that man had kicked her ribs. It was like she was numb and she just didn’t care. If it took a bullet hole, it didn’t matter, Ellie needed to get to him… to her father. 

Joel’s hands were tied into fists and the tips of his skin were dancing with the stains of his own blood. Ellie looked into his eyes, a desperate need in the burning fire in her irises. There were drips of blood trailing down his cheeks from where he had been struck with the golf-club. The metal dripped with his blood and Ellie squeezed her nails into her palms, gritting her teeth. “I’m going to fucking kill you.” She growled, roaring and desperately thrashing in the binds of hands she had been kept in and suddenly, the woman holding the club walked before Joel’s body. 

She kneeled down, the bottom of her kneecap inches from the bridge of his face. Ellie watched with the veins in her body strangling her, making her cheeks flushed and the rest of her skin a contrasted pale. The woman seemed to whisper something in Joel’s ear, and Ellie tried to still herself to hear it, but her own panicked breaths were too loud. There was a ringing in her ears and it sounded like nails on a chalkboard screaming in her hearing. “ _ Please… stop. Please.”  _

Ellie whispered his name under her breath and the tire from constantly fighting against the hands holding her down with a violent grip. Every patch of flooring that was a little less than an inch away from Joel’s head was sprinkled in droplets of blood, and rain of his gore was on the window behind him. She watched as the muscled woman raised the golf club, aiming above Joel’s head. He didn’t shut his eyes, he bore his sight into Ellie’s eyes as she thrashed against the restrictions once again, despite her exhaustion. 

_ “PLEASE! Please… please.”  _ Ellie begged, panting and looking to the muscled woman. She was built like an ox and her dirty jacket folded with her biceps. The tips of her hair were dotted in Joel’s blood, as were her fingers and the fabric of her shirt underneath. The bottoms of her shoes stepped in the small drops of blood that resided beside Joel’s head. “Please.” She whispered, the sprinkles of her own blood on her face were wiped away by her tears. 

Ellie screwed her eyes shut and winced when she heard the  _ clatter  _ of the metallic club against the ground. She kept her eyes closed, terrified to see Joel’s corpse lying ahead of her, and she whimpered in terror and fury. There was an argument breaking out above her and it was like she couldn’t breathe. Any life that had taken home in her body left her, and tears poured on the overside of her freckled cheeks. “No… no.” She chanted and there was more screaming, but suddenly, there was the slam of the door. 

The grip that held her arms tightly was gone and she opened her eyes, seeing that the group of bastards had vanished. They were cowards. They didn’t want to face her. Ellie turned her head back towards Joel’s corpse, tears pouring down his cheeks and she could taste the own salt of her crying on the tips of her lips. “No.” Ellie murmured, and when she tried to get up, she fell back down at first. “No.” She repeated, pushing herself up onto her knees with her hands and crawling towards Joel. 

Tears dotted onto the ground beneath her and as she got closer to him, blood stuck to her skin and indented her red fingerprints into the floor. It was freezing, and it stung her hands, but that was no longer a problem: Ellie was numb. “No.” Finally, she kneeled beside him and looked down at his face, holding it and staining her hand with blood. Ellie fell down, hiding in his chest and sobbing into the soaked fabric of his beige parka. That jacket had been laid on his bed the night earlier, and it was beside his sleeping,  _ alive  _ body. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.” She hissed, squeezing the fabric of his jacket in her wrists and feeling her own tears on the leather pockets of the coat. 

But suddenly, she felt his chest rise and Ellie froze, her eyes shooting up. Ellie shot up, looking down at him and seeing that his eyelids were half open, but every other second his eyelashes would dash closed, only to surface once again. “Joel. Joel.” She whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks and she held his cheek, smearing away blood from under his eyes and leaning over him. 

The terror in his eyes slightly resided when he saw Ellie above him and he weakly whispered her name, though he was barely able to get a word out. “Wait… just let me do this, please. Please.” Ellie whispered, looking away from him and pressing her hands onto the skin above his kneecap where the shrapnel of the shotgun resided. She guessed that he had not been shot from far away, as the shrapnel was not dug deep into his skin, but it was far apart. 

There were so many different thoughts in her head, questions. This was not meant for her, she wasn’t good enough. As she raced to search in an abandoned bag -one that belonged to the animals that had done this- and poured the contents over. Her body could barely move from exhaustion but she really did not even care. “Please, please… please.” She begged for something to be inside and she found a roll of bandages in the front pocket, and the terror in her body only grew. 

Ellie raced back to him, almost tripping over her own feet. The laces of her sneakers were coated in his blood and she saw the tips of Joel’s fingers shaking slightly. Ellie paused for a second and she held his hand, holding it close to her and breathing for a moment. There were no coherent thoughts in her head and finally, his hand fell away as she released it. She pushed the fabric of his jeans upwards until it touched the top of the injury. She wrapped it in bandages over and over. 

She still couldn’t breathe. Her own crying was denying her oxygen and she stopped for a moment, pushing her head into his chest again. She just wanted to feel the life in his chest one more time, or somehow trade positions with him. “Joel… Dad, please. Please you can’t close your eyes, you can’t leave.” Ellie whined, shaking his shoulder slightly and making his eyelids drone upwards once again. 

He weakly grunted in acknowledgment, still unable to make words. He felt too weak. His head was turned to the sides and his dusted-gray hair swam in his own blood. Ellie finally released her grip from his leg, she had pried the shrapnel out and bandaged it, that was all she’d be able to do. Joel’s breathing was slow and quick at the same time and Ellie looked back to his face. There was a chip of his ear that had been blasted away by the club, and his right eye was swollen shut. 

Strings of blood and cold sweat coated his skin and the monotone shade that usually dusted his cheeks was mossed by his blood. His left eye was open and he was watching Ellie as she ran her hands through her hair in a panicked fashion, looking down at his face and trying to see where to even start. Ellie looked around, taking a dot of snow and ripping off the hem of her sweatshirt in a second. “Just stay still. It’s okay. It’s okay.” 

She wasn’t sure who she was reassuring, him or herself. Ellie pressed the rag to the jagged imprint on his forehead and his cheek, trying to slow the bleeding. “We’re okay.” Ellie chanted beneath her breath, clearing the blood from his face until the skin underneath was actually visible again. There were footsteps on the flooring above and for a moment, just a second, Ellie looked at Joel’s revolver that had fallen beside his head. Her hand released his and she looked back up to the steps, taking the gun in her palms and fingering the cold, bloody metal. 

That was the first word Joel ordered, then: “No.” It was a demand, a hushed demand that was barely audible. He held her hand, keeping her beside him, but after a moment, his hand slipped away and he let out a small cough. Ellie’s eyes lingered on the doorway and her sight burned into the steps and the spot of her own blood on the floor but finally, she turned her head and looked back to Joel. 

He looked… terrible. He was covered in blood and traces of gore were on the tips of his beard and almost covering most of his hair. The red had been smeared and wiped from his face by the rag and she still held it to the injuries on his face, mostly his eye. His right eye was swollen shut and she took his hand, pressing it to his cheek and making him aid her in stopping the bleeding. He tried to whisper her name, but he was too weak to get the word out and he leaned his head back against the ground. His breaths were drawn out and rapid at the same time and she placed her hand on his chest, trying to calm him. 

There was an exhaustion in her body, mostly from the almost several times that man had kicked her. Her left eye was covered in a bruise, and she saw Joel’s eyes flicker wildly, like he couldn’t even see her. His head had broken out in sweat and Ellie wiped it away, tears still falling gently down her cheeks. She tried to hide her crying, but his head was still covered in his own blood. His consciousness was dwindling, no matter how hard he tried to fight. No matter how strong he was, no one was immortal. “Joel, I swear to fuck…” Ellie croaked, kneeling beside his head and running her fingers through his hair, getting the blood out. 

She didn’t know what to do. Her attempts at helping him were lazy, serviceable at  _ best.  _ Maybe she should have tried to wake Tommy, or call for help. Maybe she should have gone after those  _ apes.  _ They were  _ animals. They almost took Joel from her…  _ and that would prove as a  _ monstrous  _ mistake. “Please… please, please. Please, don’t go to sleep.” Ellie whispered, hanging her head inches above his and squeezing her eyes shut. 

Two of her tears fell from her jawline onto his skin and for a second, he seemed to shift, but that only caused a small shift in pain to audibly differ from his bloody lips. “ _ Joel. _ ” Ellie hissed, shaking him and hearing the slow breathing of his chest run through the chillingly silent room. The snow of the sliding doors illuminated her skin in a blue light and Ellie held the fabric of Joel’s chest, twisting his shirt and weeping softly like a child. 

Fear. That was all she felt. Fear. There were pounding footsteps above her and she reached for the revolver that had fallen from her hands, holding it and rubbing the metal. There was a trace of Joel’s blood on it… it smelled like him. She was okay like this. He was still alive, breathing - _ barely _ \- beside her, and if she had to put herself at risk to stop him from not being there, she would with no thought. The footsteps descended down the stairways, and she heard them inches away. 

Ellie pulled back the draw of the revolver, hearing a small  _ click  _ when the gun was cocked. “I love you.” Ellie whispered into his ear, their faces inches apart and she cried softly, tears dripping down onto his skin from her plump, rosy cheeks. His blood was sprinkled onto her freckles, almost like simulacra attempting to blend in. She whispered the same phrase again and heard some sort of stirring in his unconsciousness, but it resembled no words.

It was no peace he was in, his breaths were that of an injured beast, and his fists were tight to the point that the skin of his knuckles ran right. Finally, the door burst open and Ellie pointed the gun back, shooting the door frame as a warning. Steam drifted from the barrel and she held her arm in the air, though the rest of her body didn’t dare to move. Joel’s body was halfway drifted onto Ellie’s laid out legs, and her jeans were covered in blood. Her head hung and there was soft weeping drifting from her body. 

Her hair hung in a rampant fashion in strings, some of them coated in his blood. Ellie felt dirty, she felt like a failure. She was out… getting  _ high  _ with dina. She could hear every second of his screams of pain, and she could hear the tears in his voice. It was rare to see Joel cry. It usually only happened on the nights of Sarah’s birthday, though he tried to hide it then. “Oh my God.” There was some sort of speech behind her and she didn’t budge, she sat there with her father’s near dead body in her lap. Someone called Jesse’s name. Maybe it was her deliria, or her desperation. Someone more qualified than her to help. All she could do was cry. All she was was  _ weak.  _ Joel needed her, and she was failing with each tear. 

“Ellie.” Someone whispered, and the girl dropped the revolver. It pathetically slipped to the floor with a  _ clink  _ and it was silent for a moment. Someone was holding her and her breathing accelerated. She pushed them off, thinking someone was attacking her. “Ellie.” They repeated, but she couldn’t find the strength or  _ want  _ to even move away from Joel. “Babe.” Finally, she moved her eyes and looked into Dina’s terrified expression, but Ellie looked right through her like she was a ghost, maybe she was. “Jesse!” Dina roared again, but the voice rang in Ellie’s head and the feeling of tinnitus lingered in her ears. 

Dina tried to move her, but she wouldn’t release Joel’s shirt. She wanted to stay here with him. Maybe some pathetic God up above would let them trade places. Finally, she heard another set of footprints and the door burst open. There was silence. Dina was trying to tear Ellie away from Joel to hold her girlfriend, but the concrete state of Ellie planted herself like a tree and sat right beside him, not even flinching. “Is… is he…?”

“They’re still breathing.” Dina answered, not leaving Ellie’s side for even a second. Jesse walked to Tommy’s splayed body and nudged him gently, but when that didn’t work, he gently slapped the man and he stirred slightly. There was a large, welted bruise and discoloration on his skin where he had been struck, and Ellie heard her uncle, Tommy, his name was Tommy… she heard him stir behind her. There was conversation, but she didn’t register any of it. She felt the arms around her own body release her, and they were replaced with no ones. 

Someone gently took her chin, and pointed it towards Tommy’s face. The man retracted his grip and looked into Ellie’s glassy, shimmering eyes. “Ellie: we need to get him out.” He spoke in a clear, monotone voice and something in Ellie understood the logic in his expression. He was carefully studying her face, looking at her black eye and the small travel of mixed blood that dotted her cheeks. She had some of their blood, some of _his_ blood, and a light portion of her own. “Okay?” He asked in a softer tone and watched Ellie gently release Joel, regrettably.   
She couldn’t speak, she had gone mute. However, Ellie nodded and quickly, she watched as Tommy and Jesse scrambled to Joel. Ellie wasn’t sure how long she simply sat there, or how long she watched the blood on the glass doors travel down towards the tile flooring. Her pupils traveled downwards, and she inspected the pool of blood that had mixed with her hands and jeans, and coated the soles of her sneakers. The canvas materials of her sneakers had been _completely_ soaked in blood, and it looked like they were originally colored red. “Ellie? Let’s go… okay? Joel’s gonna be fine… okay?” 

Ellie was mute. Dina took both of her hands and forced Ellie up, still keeping a still grip somehow. His body was being carried up the stairs by both of the men, and Dina  _ very  _ slowly managed to get Ellie up. Foot by foot, they walked together, and small bits of Joel’s blood was pressed onto Dina’s fingers when she took Ellie’s hands. Most of her skin was soaked in his blood. She felt sick. “You did good, alright? Tommy’s going to fix him up, okay?” Everything she said was a question, like Ellie was going to respond. That idea was comical. 

“We’re okay.” Dina murmured, kissing Ellie’s cheek gently, but the other girl shied away, her eyes dull and her expression dead. 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so a fucking LONG chapter, and a very hard one to write. after having to write... everything in this chapter, i now am under the idea that last of us two is a genre of video games known as 'emotional fucking torture.' it was so fun and so horrible to write this lol. i cried probably a few times, but whatever, that just works out for you guys since it makes my writing a bit better :3 i hope you enjoyed. it might be a few days since this chapter was a fucking ESSAY, so there should be an update during the weekend. love you guys, see you then <3


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was this? This wasn't fair, this was bullshit. It was bullshit that he was there, and not someone else.

There was the  _ clip clop  _ of horses, and Ellie kept her face down. She assumed Tommy was almost to Jackson, if not already there with Joel on the rear of the horse. She didn’t want to leave that mansion. Ellie wanted to look, she wanted to  _ kill.  _ She wanted to kill that woman. Ellie wanted that woman with the braid to feel the same pain that she had caused Joel.

Ellie would have known. It was like some connection was drafted between Joel and her, and from the life that barely drifted in her chest, she knew that he was still alive. If he died, then she would already have fallen off of Shimmer’s saddle and died with him in the snow. The massive levels of powder in the land surrounding Jackson had decreased, and Jesse’s feet traveled through the snow while the two girls rode on the horse. It was silent. That was the most chilling part. Ellie was looking down at her hands and it was like she didn’t even acknowledge Jesse and Dina’s existence. 

There was blood covering her hands and her jacket, and there were sprinkles of gore on her freckled cheeks. Ellie’s skin was pale due to the pinching cold. Dina sat behind her, her hands on Ellie’s waist and she watched her girlfriend’s face carefully, seeing the silent, dry tears slipping down her cheeks. “Ellie.” Dina murmured softly, her voice hoarse and full of desperation. 

Ellie shook her head, denying the conversation and gently whisking the blood on her fingers. It was sticky, and she felt disgusting with her father’s blood covering her clothing and dotting her skin. “Ellie… Joel’s going to be fine. They’re back by now.” 

“You don’t know that.” Ellie replied softly, still not looking up but she had lowered her hands. The walls of Jackson were visible a little less than a mile away and the trotting of Shimmer resonated through Ellie’s head like a pattern. It was like listening to crying. “You don’t know if he’s…” The sentence died on her lips and the cold bit at her lips, chapping them. Ellie shook her head once again and her hair dipped by either side of her face. This was insane. The thought of Joel being… dead… it made her sick and she struggled to hold down her own vomit. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw the small glance that Dina and Jesse shared and she shut her eyes, letting her damp eyelashes sink onto the tips of her cheeks. Jesse opened his mouth for a moment, but whatever comfort he could attempt died on his lips as the gates of Jackson opened before them. Ellie kept her head down as Dina rode them in, and she listened to the rhythmic tone of Shimmer’s hooves against the street. 

Finally, Ellie looked up and she looked at the people standing at either side of the horse. They all were looking at the blood smeared on Ellie, and the bruised eye she wore like a trophy of survival. They must have seen Joel being carted in… it must have been a stark reminder to the world they lived in. There was a drift of silence throughout the town, something she had never heard. There was always a drift of life through the town, and constant conversation. But now, not even a child spoke. They were all silent… for Joel. 

Ellie looked out at the sea of faces watching the horse ride through the town and a single tear slipped down her cheek. As Dina rode towards the house that Joel shared with his daughter, she felt still. It was like the blood on her was weighing her downs, and it felt like she could be crushed towards the heart of the earth. “Hey… I’m gonna help clean you up… okay?” 

“No.” Ellie disagreed in a small whisper, shaking her head and slowly raising her foot from the leather stirrup of Shimmer. Her legs were numb, but eventually, they directed her towards the floor, and she relied on Shimmer’s body for a moment. 

“Ellie-” Jesse began beside her, trying to place his hand on Ellie’s shoulder but she caught it, keeping him from holding her. When she left his hand, a small stain of blood was left on his fingers. 

“I said ‘no.’” She whispered in a monotone voice, and Ellie slowly limped towards the blood red door. The color made her feel sick. The wood had begun to chip and she took her key from her jeans. Ellie’s fingers wiped the blood from the metal, and she shoved it into the door roughly. Eventually, the entrance cracked open and she pushed through it, slamming it behind her before Jesse or Dina could even speak. 

There was an unhealthy level of famine and hunger drifting through Ellie, and she knew there was a good chance of her passing out after not much longer, but she didn’t care. Most of her believed she deserved it.  _ I need to go see him.  _ She thought, but she leaned against the door, listening to the  _ clip clop  _ of Shimmer’s hooves denting the streets. Her friends were leaving, and for the first time, that made her feel relief. 

His mug laid on the countertop, and she could still see the fog of his breath where he had sipped the coffee that remained in the glass. Ellie stopped. Her feet carried her into the kitchen and she left a trail of bloody footprints with each step, as her boots were covered in his gore. “Oh… Joel.” She murmured under her breath, taking the mug and holding it close to her chest. It smelled of coffee, so that meant it smelled like him. It was like there was some trace of his life on this cup. 

His set of keys were strewn across the granite counter, and Ellie realized he would need a change of clothing… if he was alive.  _ No. He can’t be.  _ Ellie shook her head, and her head rang with each footstep she took up the stairs. There was an exhaustion that held her down and she used her arm to push herself upwards. There were silent tears rolling down her cheeks and they brushed the blood from her freckles. Her legs slowly pressed her towards his door and she stopped for a moment. 

Ellie’s hand laid on the door and she rested her head against it, shutting her eyes and feeling another tear dance down her cheek. “Joel…?” Ellie whispered, her warm breath shooting back in her face after she talked to the door. The floors were cold, but she hadn’t even taken her backpack off. The weight pushed down on her and she held her arms back. The bag ran from her and landed down on the floor with a  _ thump.  _ “Joel… are you there?” She asked gently, knocking her fingers against the wood, and there was no response. 

Her lips folded upwards and she covered her mouth with her hands. Tears finally began to stream down her cheeks and she slid against the door, falling and sitting on the freezing floor. Her hands left a dot of blood on her chin and Ellie tried to clear her throat, but it came out as a desperate gasp for air and tears rolled down her cheeks. “Are you in there?” Ellie asked again, but there was silence, and she curled her knees into her arms. Her head hid in between her knees and she could smell the coppery scent of his blood coating her outfit. 

There was a knock on the door, and Ellie jumped, and for a moment, she thought it was a gunshot. She gasped, and for a second she could hear her father roaring once again and Ellie held her head tightly, shaking it. There was the sound of the door opening and Ellie raised her head, a layer of fear crawling up her spine. She slowly descended down the steps like she was on autopilot. Ellie wrapped her hands around the doorknob, and saw her ‘uncle’ staring back at her with an exhausted expression, though not nearly as much as her. 

Their eyes connected for a moment before Ellie turned around, her tire clear in her face. “Ellie…” 

“Tommy, please… not right now.” She whispered, sitting down on the couch and holding her head in her hands. She took a deep breath and suddenly, she let out a deep cough into her hands after a moment. It was silent, and she heard his footsteps before Tommy settled beside her. He had changed, and his jeans were clean of her father’s blood.

The man bent his knees and leaned next to her, meeting her eyes. Unexpectedly, Tommy crossed the floor to the sink and ran a handkerchief under the water. When he walked back towards her, the younger Miller sat on the couch cushion beside her and Ellie avoided his eyes. “Please, Ellie.” He whispered, and she looked into his eyes with a black eye shading the right side of her face. Her emotions were stalled and pushed deep inside of her, somewhere they would feel numb. However, she had never felt something of this magnitude. 

Losing Riley, losing her mother, losing Marlene, losing Sam, Winter… none of this compared to the mute pain that laid through her body, both physical and mental. She couldn’t find the strength to even respond and instead, Ellie stood, shaking her head. “I can’t do this right now.” She whispered, shaking her head and she heard a teardrop from her face, but it was silent. But it suddenly felt like she was moving through time. 

There was something that came over her and she suddenly felt dizzy. It felt like her body was toppling over, and she realized it was. The exhaustion that had been taking over her body finally seized her limbs and her eyes shut for a second. Someone caught her and her eyelashes fluttered then opened again. “Sit down.” Tommy spoke, and she looked up, realizing she had almost fainted. “Now.” 

“Fine.” Ellie frowned, crossing her arms and sitting down on the couch and she scratched her fingers into her hair. There were dots of blood in her hair and she hung her head, a level of self-disgust. Tommy sat beside her again and she opened her eyes, looking to the left and sighing. “Where is he?” Ellie finally asked, clenching her hands and looking directly into his eyes with a dead expression. 

Tommy had a dash of blood above his eyebrow and Ellie looked at him with a deadly desperation. “They… don’t know. He lost a lot of blood, and-” 

“Just  _ stop. _ ” She whispered, hiding her head in her hands and letting a desperate exhale. It was quiet and she heard the snow railing against the windows. Even the weather seemed hopeless and Ellie rubbed the skin under her eyes, smearing freckles of blood on her skin. “I was fucking around.” Ellie murmured in a hiss, squeezing her nails into her palms and furrowing her eyebrows and wishing she had the power to simply disappear. “I was fucking around with Dina, when Joel was…” Tears rolled down her cheeks and Tommy hesitated for a moment, before wrapping his arm around her. 

It was completely quiet and slowly, he awkwardly hugged her and felt the blood on her clothing. “It isn’t your fault.” Tommy promised her and she looked up, squinting her eyes and standing again. “Where are you goin’?” He demanded, trying to take her hand but she ripped it away and slipped her boots on.   
“I’m going to see _Joel_.” She muttered under her breath, tying the laces of her shoes and already trudging through the snow before another sentence was uttered. It was like something in her needed to go to him and it was like she wasn’t able to breathe correctly, literally. Her body hurt from the decent beating those animals had given her when she fought to get to Joel earlier, but she didn’t care. 

It was almost a winter storm, and she jogged through it, remembering the familiar trace that led to the doctor’s office that Joel and her had crossed together so many times.  _ “Do we really have to go again?” She rolled her eyes, burying her head in his shoulder and groaning in the fabric of his shirt. She was almost sixteen, it was stupid she was small enough to ride Joel’s back, and it felt childish. Still, she liked pretending to be a child occasionally. “This is stupid.”  _

_ Joel chuckled, looking back at her as the sun reflected downwards on them. “Damn, kiddo, I can  _ really  _ hear the teenager in ya now.” Ellie barked a fake laugh, surfacing her head from his shoulder and inspecting the graying hairs of his head, and smiling.  _

_ “Yeah, and I can really see you becoming an old-ass dinosaur.”  _ Ellie almost smiled for a moment at the memory before she shut her eyes and took a deep breath, shaking her head. It was getting late. She thought recalling that memory had just been a moment, but now, Ellie was unsure how long it had been exactly that she was standing before the hospital doors with her hands on the handle of the rotting, glass doors. In that moment, she tried to remember any moment that Joel uttered his words of comfort, but nothing came to mind. 

What if this was the end? What if it was the last time she saw him breathe, or she wasn’t even granted that? What if this was the time she finally saw his body? Ellie wiped the dry tears from her cheeks, and she pushed through the doors, smelling the familiar scent of blood and alcohol. There was a woman at the front desk, and there was a look of terror from her when she saw the blood coating Ellie’s clothing. The doctor asked for a name and she squeezed her hands against the desk. “Joel… Miller.” She whispered in a weak breath and Ellie trailed down the hallways of the hospital, ironically feeling sickened with each step. 

It was claustrophobic, and it was like the world was closing in on her and she walked closer to the room she had been diverted to. Ellie could almost  _ feel  _ his presence, and it scared her. Joel had always been a symbol of strength for her, something that she could lean on, and something  _ he could lean on.  _ Now… this is what he deserved? Her? He deserved so much better than her, she knew it. Maybe that was when she wrapped her fingers around the door, and she looked into the room, she almost screamed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, guys! comments/kudos appreciated, not taking requests rn since i gotta build some stuff up before anything else MAJOR happens. anyway, i'm super exhausted so i'm gonna call it a night, it's obscenely late. have an amazing week, there'll be an update in a few days <3


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie never thought she'd know what it felt like to lose him, she always thought it was a song. Now she knew.

He sat there, his eyes shut and there was still watery blood smudged across his skin. There was the bustle of bandages underneath the blanket that hid his leg, and there was a constant beeping in the room. It was a slow beeping, and Ellie realized it was his heartbeat. Seeing him like this, seeing him look so… dead? Ellie felt numb, like she was trying to move through frozen ice and she couldn’t even budge. 

It was harrowingly silent and the only sounds were his shallow breath. Ellie had the urge to puke looking at him and she looked down at the blood covering her outfit. Finally, tears welled over her cheeks, but she didn’t make a sound. How had they gotten here? The previous night, they shared a cup of coffee. The previous night, they were laughing together. Today, today was here. And here was her, watching him in his coffin. Ellie knew he was lucky to even be alive. He should not have survived the ride back to Jackson, was she now supposed to thank whatever God allowed it? If there was a God, he was an asshole. That was the conclusion Ellie had come to. 

Finally, she took one step, and then another. It was like she was a newborn learning to walk and she wiped away the silent tears from her face. Ellie pulled the zipper of her jacket down, shedding the bloody fabric and placing it on a chair beside Joel’s bed. Part of him didn’t even look like her father. There was a thin scar on the right side of his cheek, and it had been messed slightly with blood. His eye was swollen shut, and it matched her own black eye. 

Ellie sat in the chair beside Joel and felt dead for a moment. He was almost taken away from her. She almost had to watch his death. Ellie could still remember the picture of his blood splashing across the floor when that woman struck him with the club. At that thought, her head picked up. That woman… She had arms like an ox, and winding blonde hair that was imprisoned in a braid. She had a cruel face, and freckles of Joel’s blood on her cheeks. Thick eyebrows, and piercing, sapphire eyes that held the thoughts of a murderer. She had to pay. 

Ellie took her journal from the confines of her jacket, taking a pen beside Joel and trying to remember her face. She scrawled it down into her journal over, and over, and over again. Every single stroke of her pen repeated the burning eyes on the paper.  _ Abby.  _ Ellie remembered that name resonating in her head when she had been in that basement. It was the name those people repeated as the woman was beating Joel to death. It was like they chanted, like this was some sort of victory.

Who were these people? What did Joel ever do to them? Ellie was going to find out, and she was going to make them pay. The pen spurted on the page when she pressed too hard and she dropped it and listened as it clattered to the floor. Ellie shut her journal and placed it on the table beside Joel, looking at his shut eyelids. It was odd to see it, he was always such a symbol of strength and now, he needed her. Ellie took his hand, her expression destroyed and she hung her head. “I’m going to make this right.” Ellie was grateful that she had not had the need to employ the word ‘avenge.’ 

Joel was nothing but lucky. Her whispers were met with silence, and she opened her damp eyelashes, but he was still unconscious. For a quick second, she dove into his arms and took a deep inhale… he didn’t smell like himself. Joel always had a distinct scent. It was the aroma of fresh coffee, and the aesthetic of earthly woods and warm campfires. Now? He smelled like blood. “I promise. I am going to make this right.”  _ I’m going to make us safe. This will never happen again.  _

But slowly, her eyebrows furrowed together and her desperation shifted to anger. Ellie needed to do this, for Joel. She needed to make sure that she would never have to watch him dying before her again. Ellie watched Joel’s head almost split in half before her. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head, taking a small breath. “I love you.” Ellie murmured, taking his hand and squeezing it. “I promise… I’m going to find her.” Ellie stood slowly, leaving her journal and watching his chest rise and fall slowly. 

Everything had moved so quickly. Just a day ago everything was normal. Joel was  _ okay.  _ And now… he wasn’t. Ellie prepared to protect him at all costs and keep him safe, and he wasn’t safe when that woman was still around. Ellie awaited for a second, almost expecting him to respond, but he was silent. The only sound was his shallow breaths and the occasional grunt of pain. Ellie wiped another tear away and she cleared her throat, prying the emotion and pushing it down. Those people could be near, or… they could try to murder him again. 

She was scared. She was scared that she wouldn’t be able to find that woman, -Abby- and because of that, Joel would die. She contemplated leaving immediately, but she denied that and shook her head. Ellie’s legs carried her back towards the chair and she sat beside Joel, holding his hand once again. “Later… right now, I’m staying.” Ellie whispered, dipping her head and letting her forehead lay on his limp shoulder. “Promise.” 


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She thought he'd never hear one of his stupid fucking jokes again...

Over the hours, Ellie had transported herself from the chair to sitting on the edge of his bed, holding her head. With every second, there was either the jump of his heartbeat, and her eyes shot up like she was about to watch him die. Ellie was afraid, and she felt guilty. She was afraid of what would happen if he suddenly just slipped into death before her. Ellie would never recover, she knew it. 

Joel was her father, it was that plain, and it was that simple. And now, she was quite  _ literally  _ sitting on his deathbed. “El… he’s going to be fine.” Dina whispered, rubbing her back gently and watched her girlfriend dig her fingers into the luminous depths of her hair. It was rare Ellie let her hair down, and it showed the desperation in her. Dina had seen the pages of her journal and page after page, sketch after sketch,  _ Abby _ ’s burning eyes ripped through the page in her ink volume. 

Dina knew well what Ellie was like after things like this. She never would admit it, but she feared the woman herself. It wasn’t just anger, it wasn’t just fury, it was terror of her coming back to finish the job. “Do you know who… who would want to…?” Dina’s voice trailed off and she wiped a tear off of Ellie’s cheek. The other girl looked into her eyes and shook her head. 

Under her grief, there was a singular, undenying suspect. “Joel has a lot of enemies.” Ellie responded softly, sniffling and pulling her hair to one side of her face and looking back towards him. The blood had been cleared from his face and skin skin was clearer, though there was a deep scar beside his right eye. There was still bruising on that side of his face, but he looked a little better than the bridge of death he had been walking the previous day. “Maybe if I got up earlier…” Ellie murmured, separating herself from Dina and holding Joel’s hand. 

“Ellie, it’s not your fault…” Dina whispered, holding her and leaning her head on Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie sighed, looking back to Dina with a sad expression and nodding. 

“Can you give us a sec?” Ellie asked in a low voice and Dina frowned, but she nodded. Ellie felt like she was fourteen again, and it felt impossible to see Dina, she didn’t feel worthy. She wasn’t supposed to be worthy of her girlfriend, Dina was too perfect. And Ellie was a failure. She couldn’t protect Joel, she couldn’t protect Tommy, how was she supposed to protect Dina? Everyone around her got hurt. It was like she was a bomb, and everyone she cared about was in the blast radius. 

She was left alone with him and her eyes watched Joel’s every moment carefully. Any fidget of his fingers, she squeezed them, but his grip was limp in her hands. “Please… wake up.” She whispered, and she dipped her head. Her forehead pressed against his and she raised her head once again, a small tear dripping from his eyes onto his beard. “Dad… please.” Her voice murmured a little softer and she opened her eyes, but his eyes were still shut. 

There were bags under her eyes, and there was still a faded black eye on the left side of her face. The room was silent, and the nurses had deemed him ‘not-dead’ enough to take the heart monitor from his chest. Still, it was like he could hear the  _ thump  _ of his heart even if he was inches away. There was this desperation in her, and it passed from her grip into his hands.  _ Please. Please get up, Joel.  _ He  _ always  _ got up. He had to this time… right? He had to. He just had to. 

There was the howling of the wind outside and for a second, without the warmth of Joel, she could hear the voice of David in the back of her mind.  _ Stop it.  _ Ellie ordered herself, clenching Joel’s hand and squeezing her nails into her free hand. “Please… I can’t do this without you.” Ellie wept on his shirt and the moisture played through the fabric.  _ Please.  _ She repeated, softly crying into the flannel she had brought for him. It was almost a week, almost a week and she hadn’t returned to the house in days. 

It was a house without him, not a home as she had come to know it. The warmth and the love that usually inherited the building was gone. Now it was just a stale building that had no expression and that had no feature. The smiles that lived in the photos seemed fake. Every single portrait of Joel and her seemed like a taunting. It was teasing her, screaming to her that the fact Joel’s heartbeat could stop at any moment. The  _ thump  _ that she heard in his chest could easily stop, and it would just be still flesh. 

It was quiet again, and she buried her head in Joel’s chest, taking in the scent of rotten coffee and blood.  _ Please, I need you.  _ “You promised you wouldn’t go. You  _ promised me. _ ” Ellie tightened her grip on his shirt and felt the fabric stretch under her fingers. “Joel, I need you to keep your promise.” She weeped, and soon, there was a moisture on his chest as she felt tears roll down her cheeks. “Just this once, then we can do whatever you want… I’ll drink your stupid fucking coffee, and I’ll stop being a fuckup, just please… get up.” She finished, but there was no movement under her and she cursed under her breath, but it was muffled by his shirt. 

As she dryly sobbed into the fabric, there was something stroking the back of her head gently and Ellie stopped, quieting. _Joel._ She thought, her head snapping up and in an instant, she met his eyes. “Joel.” She whispered, and Ellie tightened her grip around his shoulders, her crying returning in soft weeps. “Are you okay? Let me go get Tommy, I-”  
“No.” He rasped out, his eyes half open and his short eyelashes dusted his irises. “Stay.” Joel whispered, and she took his hand as it weakly reached for her. Ellie felt some sort of cold rush in her, like black water traveling up her spine and she slowly bent beside the hospital bed, watching every breath like it was hypnosis. “Please.” 

Ellie cringed at his plea and she tightened her grip around his hand, nodding vigorously and wiping her tears. “I’m never leaving you again, I promise.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, guys! thanks for reading! sorry there wasn't an update for almost a week, I've been totally swamped with school, and had a lot of personal stuff I had to attend to. There'll be an update soon, requests are currently closed, just for now. Anyway, thanks for tuning in! I'm so excited for the next chapter, see you then <3


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had no choice.

He slowly regained the strength to raise his head and he squinted his eyes, inspecting the black eye that was coloring her face. “Ain’t you seen… seen one of them doctors?” He murmured quietly, reaching forward and taking her hand again, though she was just staring at him like it was a miracle he was even alive. It was a miracle, and the horror on her face showed it. In all of years he loved her like his daughter, he had not seen her so quiet once. 

Ellie looked like she was thinking about something quizzically, like she was looking at the equation in her head and trying to figure out why he was alive. Why his hand felt full of life in hers, and why she wasn’t standing in front of his grave right now. There were no tears in her eyes as there had been storming down her face when he first awakened, no. This was relief. Relief and anger. “Ellie.” He raised his voice, but due to the state of weakness he was in, it just sounded like a regular decibel and Ellie turned her head, her hair loose and falling behind her. “When was the last time you ate…?” 

She had to make an attempt to hear him due to the weakness of his voice, and it sounded like a scorching desert. “Yesterday, I think.” She shrugged, and the warmth in his face dropped. 

“Girl, you go now.” He spoke in a gravelly voice, and the paternal sternness in his voice was clear. There was still a jagged scar down the right side of his face, and the swelling that was puffing his eye had been subdued slightly. It had been a full week, and she slept around one full day, but only to subdue Dina’s worries. She made  _ sure  _ that Ellie ate, and she made sure she slept. Joel was thankful for that. 

He thanked whatever higher power allowed him to survive, but not for his sake. If this was what she had been for the entire week he was out, he felt a cold tingle run up his spine. His leg stung like the devil lived inside of his skin, and sure, they gave him some sort of medicine, but it didn’t come near to the relief he felt when he saw Ellie smile for just a second after he awoke. “Do you promise not to die while I’m gone?” She asked, and he smirked, nodding his head. Quickly, he cut the movement, as it stung like fire. 

“Ellie: I’m gon’ be fine… I promise.” He whispered, and their eyes connected. She saw the truth in them, but still, she didn’t believe it. There was this new fear that he saw in her features, and it was a trauma. When he felt the skin by his face for the first time, and he realized the pain in his body, he realized she had to watch him as he was beaten to death. She had to feel his blood sprinkle on her face and her fingers swam in the pool of blood he had left behind. However, he recognized the  _ fire  _ in her eyes, it was the same fire that he had inherited after Sarah. That scared him. “I  _ swear. _ ” 

Those were the words she said to him: they were the words she had heard after he saved her from David, and after they escaped the fireflies, and they were the words he had heard in his slumber during Winter dozens of times. “Do you trust me…?” He asked, his eyelids still half open, and she studied his eyes. 

_ I trust you… and I’m going to kill her.  _ She swore, shutting her eyes and focusing on the burning red eyes that she had memorized. Slight freckles, irises the color of dirty water, and a twisting, blonde braid. “You should be  _ dead. _ ” Ellie murmured, seeing the plain  _ luck  _ in his not-death. “I had to stitch your fucking face together.” Her teeth gritted and he furrowed his eyebrows, his hand still in hers. Ellie sat forward, leaning on her palms and looking down towards the floor. 

“‘N you saved me.” Joel nodded, and she looked up, her eyes slightly puffy. She looked like the walking dead, which was an amusing metaphor in the world they lived in. “And that woman ain’t-” 

“How do you know that?” Ellie demanded, cutting him off before he could even finish his sentence. There was a fury in her features and the assurance in his face faltered for a moment. He shuffled, and Ellie watched every cell division in his body. It was quiet, except for the shuffling of the people outside the room. 

It was like in a snap, any emotion in her face that had been there a second ago vanished. She looked like she had seen a ghost, and for the first few moments that he had been awake, she thought she had. “Ellie… I recognize that look.” Joel stated in a flat voice, and he sat up, his gaze suddenly much more serious. A switch had gone off in him, and he stood much more straight. Ellie watched the deadly grave look in his eyes, and their eyes met. “You ain’t goin’ after them.” His voice was monotone, and for the first time ever, he ordered it. He didn’t ask. 

She was quiet for a second, and she picked her nails anxiously. He noticed her silence. “Ellie. You promise me, now.” Joel spoke, and this time, his voice wasn’t weak. It was the most alive she had ever heard. “ _ Ellie _ .” 

Ellie looked up, squinting her eyes and focusing on the hazel irises that resided on his face. “I promise…” She murmured, looking down at the linoleum flooring and studying the flecks of dirt that lived on the ground.  _ That was the first time she lied to him.  _

\-----------------------------------------------------------

“W.L.F, that was what the patches said?” Ellie looked up to Tommy’s face and she noticed the tire in his eyes. There was a tiny bruise on his temple from where he had been struck, and Tommy watched her carefully. It was a little lighter since Joel had awakened, and the destruction that was on Tommy’s face had decreased slightly. 

The first time Ellie went to see Joel, Tommy almost denied it, and she almost punched him. To be fair, she had a cracked rib, and a bruised eye. However, she didn’t have enough self-compassion to even take a second to stop, but Dina didn’t leave the decision to her. She tricked Ellie into sleeping, even if she had to just hold her arms around Ellie for the duration of the entire night until her breathing eased. “They were in, uh… I think Seattle, last I heard.” Ellie stopped for a moment, and it was almost like she was mentally noting it, and Tommy’s eyes squinted. There was a devotion in Ellie’s eyes, a fire. “Ellie… why are you askin’ me all this?” He murmured, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. 

It was the first time she had entered their house without breaking down after Joel’s not-death. Ellie’s silence answered his question and just like Joel, Tommy’s posture changed and she watched his expression harden. “You must be just like Joel, or stupid.” He stated flatly, and the corner of her lips almost tugged at a smile, but it vanished. “You ain’t serious, are you? What  _ exactly  _ do you think is gon’ happen if you go after them?” 

“Joel won’t die.”  _ And, they’ll pay.  _ She thought somewhere in the back of her mind, but she subdued that part of herself. She hadn’t even thought about what would happen to Dina and Jesse if, when, she left. Ellie didn’t choose this, it was thrust upon her, and she wasn’t going to reject it. They bashed his head in front of her, and they were too cowardly to even face her. “... and they won’t come back.” 

“And, you’ll get your revenge, right?” Tommy asked with a monotone voice and she looked up, shaking her head. “Forget it.” 

“Tommy-” 

“I said forget it.” His voice was much more serious and Ellie stopped a second, squeezing her hands into fists. She needed to make them pay, she needed to. Ellie could hear his roars of pain in her head and she could hear him screaming her name. That basement swarmed her vision in her dreams and she shook her head, rattling the memory away. “Alright?” She nodded slowly and turned around, hearing footsteps and then the door closing behind her. 

She leaned on the countertop and dug her fingers through her hair, sighing deeply. It wasn’t like she wanted to, what: they thought she wanted to leave it all behind? The safety that went from being a privilege from normalcy to distant all at once? They thought she wanted to leave the girl who meant everything to her, or the boy who could always make her laugh? Or her father? No. This was the universe saying over and over that she would become a killer, though she already was. 

Ellie looked around, making sure no one was apparent and then she walked to the kitchen’s island, zipping open a backpack and looking inside.  _ Ammo. Guns.  _ That was all she needed, and then she would be back before anyone noticed she had even left. Everything would go to plan, and that monster would be buried six feet under. She thought about who the pack could possibly be, and every time she pondered over it: well, it was clear. Ellie pulled her sleeve up, looking down at her left wrist and seeing the small branding of the firefly symbol that Faye had left her. 

She hadn’t thought about her in a while, and it almost made her feel guilty? She was different from the other people that Ellie had killed. She was pushed to it, and Ellie had already found it within herself to forgive her, if Joel didn’t. Joel never trusted anyone beside Ellie, Tommy, and Maria after that. That was what he was content with.  _ I have no choice.  _ She told herself, chanting it like some sort of song. 

The plan, at first, was to wait for both possibilities. Wait until he lived, or wait until they both died. And he was alive. She knew it would hurt, it would hurt both of them; but  _ Abby  _ would kill both of them if she was left alive. Besides, if Joel or Tommy was in her shoes, then they would already be in Seattle by now, and that woman would be buried.  _ I have no choice.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks guys! i wanted to set up ellie's decision of leaving pretty quickly, since there is SO MUCH to cover in the entirety of part two: the game is almost thirty hours long. and there are hours and hours of cutscenes to start working with. requests aren't open right now, but i was thinking of opening them once we're on the road in the story, i'm not positive what i'll do yet, though. we'll just cross that bridge when we get to it :3 there will be an update in 2-4 days, and as always, have an AMAZING week <3


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She had no choice. That was what she told herself.

_ Joel. I’m sorry. I want to let it go, but I can’t. I almost lost you, this is just my way of making sure I won’t have to. I love you. I know this is a funny fucking way of showing it. Tommy said they’re in Seattle, no use of having you beat it out of him. I need to make sure she doesn’t come back. You’re alive. I’ve never cherished that sentence more, and I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t say that. I’m just making sure, okay? Dad, I’m going to be back before you’ve even read this, I  _ promise.  _ Okay? Don’t come after me. I can’t worry about you, I  _ can’t.  _ I love you-  _ Ellie looked up, hearing someone climb up the stairs, and she turned around, stuffing the note in her desk and hearing it crumple slightly. 

Ellie tossed the pen onto the bed and fully turned around, watching as Dina opened the door… she was holding Ellie’s bag and there was a quiet look on her face. She saw the fire in Dina’s eyes and there were a million words between their eyes. She unzipped Ellie’s backpack, tossing it onto the ground and there was the _clink_ of bullets and a pistol from inside. “So… you were just going to leave?” Dina shrugged, raising her arms and waiting for an answer. “ _Ellie_.”   
“Dina, I… I love-”   
“No, don’t pull that shit on me, you were just going to run off in the middle of the night.” Dina murmured, clenching her hands into fists and watching each _cell division_ in Ellie’s body. A deep level of shame rose on Ellie’s cheeks and her silence answered the question. Dina cursed under her breath, leaning against the wall and furrowing her eyebrows. She sniffled. “Ellie…”   
“D-” 

“What happens when you’re shot somewhere across the country?” Dina demanded, raising her voice and it was the only time Ellie had seen Dina mad. In the -nearly- two years that they had been together, Ellie never witnessed Dina’s anger directed at her, but here: here, she was upset. It wasn’t an infuriated anger, it was a sad anger. It hurt. “If you die, I… I wouldn’t even know.” She whispered, and Ellie stood slowly, meeting her eyes. 

Joel’s revolver hid in her bag and she looked at the metal before averting her eyes towards Dina. Her hair was tied back in a tired bun, and her fingers laced around Dina’s. “Dina… I need to do this.” Her voice was soft, and Ellie looked into her eyes, pressing her lips against Dina’s and kissing her softly. Their foreheads grazed against each other and Dina opened her eyes, meeting Ellie’s. “I’m sorry… I can’t let her come back.” 

Ellie feared  _ Abby  _ would come back to finish the job, and she couldn’t let it happen. She wasn’t ready to admit that maybe she was selfish by leaving: she was doing this for a noble cause. “Take me with you.” Dina whispered, studying the shades and colors in Ellie’s irises. “Please.” Their foreheads leaned against each other and she held Ellie’s hand tightly, squeezing it as if it were a lifeline. 

However, just by the look of Ellie’s features, she could tell that it was a ‘no.’ “You can’t. You need to stay here. You’re needed here-” 

“So are  _ you. _ ” Dina croaked, her eyes shining suddenly and there was a ringing silence in the room. The snow whipped outside and Ellie frowned for a moment when she saw it…  _ not good weather. I’ll have to make due.  _ She thought, and Ellie listened to Dina’s short breaths. She cherished them, and tried to memorize the sound, knowing it wouldn’t be beside her like she had come accustomed to over the past week of hell. 

Their hands held each other until it hurt and Dina murmured a small ‘please.’ “I need you to help me sneak out of here, okay…? Please, Dina, please, let me do this.” Ellie murmured, and the desperation in her voice was clear, and it was an unfair tool to wield on Dina, they both knew iit. Dina sniffled and dipped her head. It leaned on Ellie’s shoulder and she kissed the top of Dina’s head gently. The air was tight with fear and sadness, but slowly, Dina shied away and took the bag from the floor, zipping it and placing the fabric handles around Ellie’s shoulders. 

“Goodbyes in a little bit, okay?” Dina asked, and Ellie nodded, feeling a tear roll down her cheek and she fastened the bag around her. 

“Let me make one final one, okay?” 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

Ellie opened the door to the room and she saw Joel, but his eyes were shut and he was slumbering. His monstrous snores traveled through the room and for a second, she smiled, even with her backpack on her shoulders.  _ ‘Just wait out here.’  _ That was what she had told Dina, and it was clear the level of grief her girlfriend already wore. 

The air was heavier, and with each step she took towards Joel, it was like the guilt that was weighing down on her grew. The swelling of his eye had reduced, but his leg still had bandages wrapping it, and she almost took that gratefully. _He won’t follow me. He’ll stay safe._ Ellie thought, and she leaned a knee down beside her father and held his hand. She was careful not to wake him, but she took the note from his pocket and slipped it onto the small table beside him. He almost looked peaceful, and her grip around his hand tightened. “I love you… this is why I’m doing this.” Her voice was barely audible, and a single tear ripped down her freckled cheeks.   
_I love you._ She repeated in her mind, and watched the slow breath that drew in his lungs. _I promised I’d never leave… but, Joel… I need to make an exception here._ Ellie apologized under her breath and finally, she stood, her knees feeling too bendy. “I’m sorry.” She murmured softly, and turned her back, her footsteps residing through the room. As soon as she left, she could feel the loss of his warm presence. 

“Ready?” Dina asked next to her, and she had a small cigarette in her hands: she looked half dead. Ellie nodded her head, and Dina crushed the smoking paper beneath her boot. They both walked out of the hospital, and it was like they moved as one. It was absolutely silent as they treaded towards the ranch, the same one they had met in almost four years ago. 

“Dina, listen-” 

“Not now.” That was the end of the conversation. It was dimly lit in the ranch and Ellie breathed in the familiar scents. She heard the familiar breaths of Shimmer and turned her head, seeing the chocolate fur beside her.  _ You ready, girl?  _ Ellie said through her gaze, and her fingers burrowed in the fur, scratching it slightly. Dina unlocked the gate and took the reins, and slowly, Shimmer trudged out of the pen. 

Like she always had for years, Ellie looped her leg over Shimmer’s saddle, pushing her body up with the stirrups and settling on the leather. There was a blanket Maria had knit below Ellie’s legs, and she fingered the soft fabric. “Dina…” Their eyes met and Ellie gifted her a sad, weak smile. “... I love you.” She whispered, and Dina wrapped her fingers around Ellie’s, and even though it was clear, she didn’t say it back. 

“Tell me when you get back… you get back.” She repeated and Ellie nodded, a small tear slipping from her eyes. Dina wiped it away with her thumb, giving Ellie a tiny smirk. “Promise?” The word was repeated in Ellie’s gaze, and it was enough of an answer. “Okay…” 

And just as Ellie had begun to call Shimmer forward, the doors of the ranch behind the two burst open and she recognized the blue jeans and black, shaggy hair that jogged in the small shack. “Save it…” He shook his head when he saw Ellie and he looked to both of them, his chest rising and falling quickly. “Tommy’s gone.” Ellie squinted her eyes and shook her head, not understanding. “His horse is gone, he left… before you could.” There was a tiny bit of snark in the second half of the sentence, but Ellie paid no mind. 

“Fuck.” Dina cursed, pressing her fingers to her temples and Ellie bit the inside of her cheek, shutting her eyes. 

“This complicates things.” Ellie murmured, opening her eyes again and moving Shimmer forward before looking down to Jesse and Dina. They both looked up at her, and Jesse had a rifle in his hands. He handed it up to Ellie, and she wrapped the hilt around her, cocking the gun. “I have to go after him. Dina…” They had already said their goodbyes, and she moved her gaze to Jesse. There was enough said in a look. 

It was like something was pushing down on her back, and she realized it was guilt.  _ ‘Ellie… you promise me now.  _ Promise  _ me.’ ‘I promise.’  _ Ellie lied to Joel, and what if something did happen? What if the last thing she said to him was a lie? The last thing she said to him was a lie, and not ‘I love you.’ “This isn’t the last time I’m seeing you.” She said to both of them, and before there was anything else said, she marched the reins against Shimmer and slowly, the horse pushed her forward into the snowy evening. 

The sun was setting, and for a moment, Ellie couldn’t help but think of riding to that mansion, and she turned her head away. That was why she was going: to make sure it never happened again. Joel would never be hurt again, she needed to take that monster… Abby -sometimes Ellie forgot she had a name- would never even look at him again.  _ I’m doing this for you.  _ She assured herself, and she ordered Shimmer to march slightly faster through the subtle levels of snow. The snow blurred the trail paths, and she knew she just needed to get on the highway… find somewhere to set up for the night, and hopefully, find any other tracks that would lead to Tommy.  _ Fucking Tommy.  _

Was it not him who had told her the previous night to ‘forget it?’ That she was insane?  _ ‘You must be like Joel, or stupid.’  _ Ellie remembered, those were the exact words, and here  _ she  _ was chasing down  _ his  _ dumbass. It was supposed to be the other way around, wasn’t it? She was the naive, ignorant one. Ellie was the one who charged straight into battle, he was the sensible one. Wasn’t he the sensible one? Apparently not. 

It had been four years since they arrived in Jackson, and really, the two of them bonding seemed to mean something to Joel, and so she tried to humor him. Even if Tommy was a little naive, or if he too shared the same fault as Joel, and that was of treating Ellie as if she were a child. Like  _ she  _ was a child after everything she had gone through… everything she had done. In the lowering brightness of the day and the snow swarming around, for a second, she thought of David, and then looked beside her like Joel would be there, but, no.  _ She  _ had left  _ him.  _ Ellie wanted to puke suddenly. 

\----------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start off with Ellie leaving soon, or else this work will literally be miles long, because we're already seven chapters in and I've JUST started with her leaving lmao. thanks so much for everyone reading, it means so much to see all of the support! requests are going to be open probably in like, 2-3 chapters once i set some more stuff up. I wasn't sure whether or not to have Tommy going first, but I thought it was a better idea to give Ellie even more motivation to leave. anyway, that's my rant. have a good day! <3


End file.
